So, you think Cambridge is ‘all that’, do you?

No, me neither. So, let us get together and say ‘Bye, Bitch’ to those things in Cam that give it a little je ne sai quoi, not in a good way, but in a why-do-you-get-so-aggressive-when-state-school-students-say-it-was-harder-for-them-to-get-in way? There are so many great things about not being here that you can look forward to after you've left this place - which some people refer to as Hell - for example: 

1) No more ‘BNOCS’ - This self-congratulatory mark of being able to talk to people without being insufferably awkward isn’t actually an achievement outside of the bubble that is Cambridge.

2) The focus of the majority of conversations won’t be about how much time you have spent/have not spent on work.

3) No more Tab ‘articles’.

4) Talking about Cambridge as a past concept is better than actually being here.

5) No more compulsory gown-wearing events.

6) You are able to host parties with MORE than 10 people in your room. Woo.

7) No more poshos ruining your day.

8) You’ll gain genuine life skills, like making your bed or turning on a hob.

9) No more having to justify how you got in to Cambridge.

10) No more passive aggressive, or just plain aggressive ‘debates’.

11) Probably never hearing things like, "does being so near a portrait of Henry make you uncomfortable as a 3rd generation Northerner?" again.

12) Being able to meet potential partners in daylight and not in the underground room of a take-out shop with men who howl like a wolf at the sight of skin and have thrown up so much from alcohol they actually like the taste.

13) You will meet men who might be more capable of forming emotional relationships. Maybe.

14) You can form an actual home away from home without moving out every 8 weeks.

15) Once gone, you can reflect on how absolutely ridiculous Cambridge is and create ties and shared experiences with people who don’t understand terminology like ‘bedder’ or ‘DoS’ or ‘Fine’.

16) Get out.

17) You don’t have to be vaguely concerned that your academic institution may or may not be involved in dodgy firearm trades.

18) No more stress over 2000 words.

19) You’ve met probably some of the worst people you’ll ever meet and this will help you understand how the world’s evil works.

20) You’ve also met some of the best people and you can write cute little anecdotes in your biography about them.

21) No more dancing to 30 second ITunes previews.

This is most definitely not an exhaustive list; as ‘Bye, Bitch’ is a regular Features column, we don’t want to give it all away immediately. Have you got a couple of things you want to ‘Bye, Bitch’ about?

Let us know at features@varsity.co.uk