I'm not who you think I am...Alex Shuttleworth

26th November - Dawn

Litro just awoke to the sound of a squabble of robins like totes whistling some Bublé outside my window #Serenade #HaveYourselfAMerryLittleBridgemas. So like the ol’ wheel has litro turned and Boxing Day has come around again #Dejavu. So like historically on this day bedders are litro allowed home to their families with a box of leftover regurgitated mulled wine #Charity. But like now, under the new tyrannous regime of the college Master, it’s like litro recognised by bludgeoning the staff #Boxing #TakeItLiterally#NoSeriously #TakeIt #Literally #Thanks. So like I get up for breakfast and like three kilos of mince pies later I’m litro FO SHO preggers. Like, get me on 16 and Pregnant and call me Chardonnay preggers #NotEvenChampagne #OrEvenProsecco #Bleugh. So apparently like Bridgemas is like totes a time for giving... But like, I’ve already like given myself, my knowledge and my banterous satire to the world so far this year so, um, idk, might just buy an innocent endangered grandma a woolly hat #GrandmaPanda #PotatoPotahto.

Midday

So news has it that like a midday boxing day conference day has been called to debate the future of the college today #Day. So like I get to the lofty hall, called so for its loftiness and the fact that it’s like actually totes a small apartment above the purple hall, which is litro called so for its hue; yes, Hugh Laurie named it #House #Loft #Apartment. But enough with the successive particulars... So like as I litro enter the room a small man like totes wafts some incense t’ward me, and like as I inhale a change comes over me and I’m like litro totes miraculously cured of all cynicism...

So like as I seat myself in a pew the Master like totes begins to address the college. He’s all: “So like guys, so, litro, like at this happy time when we’re all able to justify purchasing bizarrely spiced alcohol and like consume foods we never touch all year round; it’s like totes important to consider our Bridgemas duties.” Everyone’s totes like: “Hear hear, charity and the like!” The Master’s all: “So like, we totes have a duty of care…” And everyone’s like: “Yeah, sure, like totes, like yes…” And the Master’s like: “... To ourselves. We’ve litro got a duty of care to preserve our kind.” I’m like: “Our Kind?” Then he’s like: “We need to like totes defend our literal boundaries from the pleb leeches who like totes suck the life blood out of Cambridge. Also, they like really can’t play sport.” And everyone’s like so totes “Yaaaaassssss!”

But like as he’s speaking a wave of guilt like totes washes over me and I’m suddenly like totes compelled to speak. Tentatively, I stand up and begin to address the room… “So like… Um, I sort of like totes just think we should defo be doing more to dismantle the archaic rituals that glorify Cambridge, like, it’s #FoSho exclusionary and ridiculous...” Hugo’s all: “Katrina… like, what?!” I’m like: “Yeah like I’m totes so sorry I’ve got litro NO idea where this is all coming from but, yeah, like, the wealth of individual colleges should totes be shared out to like allow everyone to benefit and receive like more equal support. Also, like, I’m litro SO privileged…?” There’s a gasp from the congregation and mutters of “She did it… she checked her privilege… She checked it…” So like after this subsides everyone’s like: “Um, like, eh, what Katrina?!” I’m like, “Yeah, like I think all this sanctimonious satire is like totes creating a culture of apathy where like Cambridge is treated like a silly petulant child who you’d like scold occasionally but not actually like bother to totes reform ‘cause like that would be like such totes effort and the kid would probs like spit in your face.” There’s litro like such a long pause #Suspense and then everyone’s all: “What satire, Katrina?” I’m like,:“Y’know. Like, all of this...” They’re like: “This like totes isn’t satire Katrina, this is literal real life #IRL #IRL #IRL...” *Warped sound effects*.

Tea-time

Litro just awoke to the smell of smelling salts. I’m all “Like, litro where am I?” Hugo’s all: “You’re in the purple hall. The incense like totes put you under for like hours.” I’m like: “But like what about Cambridge; has it been reformed? Is it still totes exclusive and inaccessable?!” Hugo’s all: “Well obvs Katrina, like, where have you been?!”

And it wasn’t all a dream... #LifeImitatesArt #MakingAPoint #Cynicism