13th November, Dawn

Litro just awoke to the sound of a magpie like actually rifling through my antique silver… I’m like “OMG like hey Mr Magpie like wuu2 this morning?!” to like totes warn off bad omens. And then like out of nowhere this like actual black cat totes jumps through the window and like chases the magpie outside and under a ladder which then litro spontaneously bursts into actual flames. I’m like, “Litro thanks SO much Ebony, you’re like totes a life saver!!” and she’s like “Meow-ow-ow” cause like the fire litro burnt her tail. What a strange morning… At least it’s not Friday 13th!! #Foreboding...

Midday

So like the college is having like a super on-steroids celebration tonight, it’s going to be totes off the charts #Bigger #Better #Preferred #Thesaurus! So appaz it’s like the 100th anniversary of when we like abolished our hereditary admissions test (litro a blood test that confirmed if you were related to Cromwell #TheOC). Apparently it was like exclusionary or something. The legend goes that like 100 years ago some like super radical JCR Prez was like, “So I’m like just wondering guys, why do we actually have this?” and the college were like “OMG for Christ’s sake GREGORY like FINE we’ll STOP it but can you like totes stop harping ON and ON about this!!!!! #Leave(Wing)UsAlone #PastTense.” So like in super adorable fashion some like crazy radical left-wing conspiracy is now like totes part of tradition. Litro #Fave #JoinUs.

So to celebrate the memory of Gregory (he’s like totes dead by now) we’re going to have like a totes top-notch formal with litro the upper echelon of the college to like celebrate our generosity and pity… Oops #Empathy #Thesaurus... Litro so #WellMeaning. GTG now, preparations await!

Early Eventide

So like I arrive at #100YearsOfTheBourgeoisie #AndManyMoreToCome event and during the grace we like all link arms and walk towards High Table singing Kumbaya (litro so #PortWing, which is obvs a totes unconventional joke ‘cause like left wing people don’t drink port or indeed sail)... When we get to High Table we’re litro met by the Master, who extends his palms upwards as we all simultaneously bow at a neatly forty-five degree angle. Out of the corner of my eye I see our JCR Prez totes extending to seventy degrees... #NoRespect #Conspiracy.

Late Eventide

So like after what Gregory might call a “Slapping Up” Meal we all reconvene in like the actual garden for candlelit conversation #RhubarbRhubarb and a tad of the vino. As I glance across the lawn I’m litro eye-searching for Hugo #Compound, but he’s like nowhere to be seen. Out of the totes like most adorable corner of my eye I see Gregory’s descendent like totes plodding over holding a tray of cocktail sausages. As I’m like searching for a way out I look around and see the shrubbery surrounding the lawn litro like totes rustle. I’m like, “Ebony, is that you?” But there’s like litro no #Miaow from the bough. So like I turn back to my #Rhubarb and like commence nodding when a loud horn noise like totes erupts across the lawn. Like immediately some masked men like totes jump out from behind the bushes and trees with like hand painted signs! It’s like so totes #BushyRiot!!! Some masked guy shouts ”#TraditionMission!!!” and cacophony breaks out through the literal swarms of privileged people, it’s all very #OTT ngl. So like one of the rioters litro sets off a bomb that like smells litro so strongly of burning wheat… Amongst the whirlwind of oats I lean in to totes scrutinise the #BushyRioter’s hand and recognise three delicately positioned freckles and a well-meaning callous… Hugo!!! I run to him as a cloud of flour bursts forth from the throng…

OMG so, like, litro just wait for more bizarre occurrences #NextWeek...