410 years ago, Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament. On Wednesday, it seemed that British students attempted to do the same. Or at least that was the case according to some of our nation’s esteemed publications. However, instead of wanting to kill politicians, us lot want maintenance grants for disabled and low income students, which is obviously an equally morally abhorrent aim.

According to the Mail's byline, "some demonstrators clad all in black and with scarves covering their face chanted", which clearly means they should be hung, drawn and quartered, and their heads stuck on pikes. All black is so last year, so one can only assume the Mail is drawing attention to this veritable crime against fashion. And chanting is obviously also very bad because people repeatedly saying "What do we want? Free education. When do we want it? Now" is really dangerous to public health and the moral fibre of this nation.

The Mail further accused Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell of "rabble-rousing" for having the temerity to claim that "education is a right, not a privilege" and that it "is a gift from one generation to another, it is not a commodity to be bought and sold." If I were a rabble, I would definitely be roused – such revolutionary, violence-inciting words! Thinking about my degree other than in terms of its monetary value just makes me want to go smash shit up, urinate in public and hurt the elderly.

The Express painted a picture of "London under siege", where "rampaging rioters have taken over the city streets." To me, this may seem like a pretty fair description of the police’s behaviour, which included kettling and hitting students with batons. However, it turns out the Express was actually describing the 10,000 students exercising their democratic right to peacefully protest against the exorbitant debt the government are piling on them every year. Maybe in another 400 years, children will no longer be burning an effigy of Guy Fawkes on November 5th, but instead they’ll surround an inflatable student (while dressed as police, naturally), squeeze it until all the life is crushed out of its dead, cold skin.

The Express article also somehow managed to connect the student demonstration to an illegal rave occurring the next day. This is presumably because students, being over 18 and capable of going to actual clubs, would nevertheless choose to take three trains and two buses to an Asbestos-filled warehouse in order to buy dubious-looking drugs, skank to heavy bass and get in fights before returning home by the same two-hour route at 7 in the morning.

Perhaps the best and most accurate reporting came from the BBC, which melodramatically informed us that "a firework was set off." Dun dun dunnnnn. LBC took a slightly different tack, highlighting some of the best placards at the demo. Many were predictably pig-related, imploring the PM to "save our bacon", whilst another complained that "education cuts make me squeal."

As the smoke from the fireworks clears and the heat from the bonfires subsides, I really doubt anyone will consider this year’s student protests similarly momentous to Guy Fawkes’s attempt at blowing the king to smithereens. That’s a shame, really – as our government continues to mercilessly target the grants which enable the most disadvantaged to go to university and as economic inequality grows ever wider, it’s high time someone stuck a firework up David Cameron’s arse.