The year is 2015, and in the People’s Republic of Free Speech (situated somewhere near the Round Church in Cambridge), all was well. In its ornate, wood-panelled Debating Chamber, our Glorious Leader sits resplendent upon a carved wooden throne. The rest of the Politburo flanks him, clad as he is in the traditional uniform of the Republic’s elite: the dinner jacket.

He casts his mind back to his election, not six months ago. As usual, it had been a magnificent expression of his nation’s commitment to democracy. The current Politburo had all been elected with overwhelming majorities of 100 per cent. This was not surprising given that none of them had faced an opposing candidate.

But that is how things are meant to work: the ruling class, in its infinite knowledge, selects from among itself the most suitable candidates for high office, and as a show of kindness and humility to the subjects of the Republic, they are allowed to symbolically ratify the appointments. Democracy works wonderfully in the People’s Republic of Free Speech.

Of course, in order to placate the masses, the appointees desultorily run campaigns and take part in hustings, for appearance’s sake. But everyone in the know is aware that the real selection process takes place away from the leather seats and painted crests of the Chamber. It takes place in smoke-filled back rooms, where ambitious citizens seek patronage and alliances. They weedle and backstab before sending Facebook messages to their lowly subjects: “it would be great if you could vote for me in the Union Elections today, and I’d also recommend these great candidates for the following positions…”

Victory is achieved neither by what you know nor what you do. Victory is achieved by Who You Know. This is not to be confused with Who Likes You: affection and friendship were abolished in the People’s Republic several years ago. Who You Know can be measured both in quality of people and in volume. Indeed, some members of the Politburo know so many people they have to keep them all logged in an Excel spreadsheet in case they forget!

Sometimes, a young pretender would try to break the golden rule of the People’s Republic: Wait Your Turn. They would run before their appointed time, and have the temerity to offer things like “change” and “overhaul”. But the state machinery could deal with these miscreants. Defeat and banishment were the results of such insolence. Our Glorious Leader knows well that in order to reach the highest office, citizens must be prepared to bow and scrape for long enough to earn their place.

Other than political scheming, placating the masses is the other occupation of the Politburo of the Free Speech Republic. There are two main methods. One is the frequent invitation of foreign dignitaries (“speakers”) to entertain the masses. How their eyes light up when a “speaker” tells a joke! How excited they are when allowed to ask a question! Another is the staging of “debates”, where the masses can feast their eyes upon foreign dignitaries and future Politburo members shouting at each other.

What binds these two methods together (and indeed, the Republic itself) is a “celebration”, indeed a worship of “Free Speech”. Invite a transphobic academic? Free Speech! Host someone accused of raping multiple women? Free speech! Videolink a man on the run from rape allegations? Free speech! Drive your Women’s Officer into resigning? Free Speech! Like any dictatorial regime, the leaders of the People’s Republic know that propaganda must be simple and repeated. Free Speech! Free Speech! Free Speech!

Except, of course, Speech is not Free in the People’s Republic. Speech costs £185 for a life membership. And it costs a lot more than that to climb to the highest ranks of the People’s Republic: successful candidates will also be expected to sell their souls.