Omg hi! I’m a fresher and I’m like sooooo excited to finally be at university. I can’t wait to meet my best friends forever, learn loads of interesting things and have super fun times. I’m going to fill you in on my first few days at my dream university: yes, you guessed it, CAMBRIDGE!

Day 1

After Mum and Dad helped me move in, I met all the people on my staircase. They’re all super nice and we’ve already decided to live together in second year, it’s all very exciting. Three of them are called Hugo and look identical but I’m sure I’ll learn to tell the difference between them soon. They all even went to the same boarding school, how cute is that?!

Day 2

Today I cooked my first meal. I was a bit surprised to see that our kitchen contains only a leaky sink, a broken microwave and a toaster that I electrocuted myself on, but it’s all fine because there’s this place called Hall where you can get a whole meal for only 75 quid. It sounds quite pricey but the ceiling has beams and there’s loads of paintings of old white men so it’s reasonable really.

Day 3

OMG so last night I went clubbing for the first time in Cambridge. I predrank with ‘The Squad’ (it’s what my staircase call ourselves now, jokes) and we had this wine called Sainsbury’s Basics, it tasted a bit like piss but apparently it’s ironic so it doesn’t matter. People say that about lots of things here. Anyway, we went to this club called Cindies, it’s kind of like a school disco but with VKs. Two of the Hugos got with girls from our staircase, but I’m sure it won’t be at all awkward.

Day 4

So today I went to the Cambridge Union. My parents had to remortgage their house so I could pay for membership but Robert Downey Jr spoke there once so it’s totally worth it. Anyway, loads of private school people shouted abuse at each other for 2 hours, it was amazing. Kinda like watching Prime Minister’s Questions thirty years in advance, but with Father Christmas sitting in the front row instead of Jeremy Corbyn.

Day 5

First day of lectures! I was really excited because obviously I came here to learn about my subject, and not, you know, develop as a person or some shit like that. It was super nice to see everyone from my course together, I’m sure we’re all going to get along great and definitely not descend into desperate competition, encouraged by our university’s exam system aggressively pitting us against each other. 

Day 6

I tried to get The Squad to come punting today, because unless you do it your entire university experience here is worthless. No-one else wanted to go though: my neighbour has been working in the library nonstop for the last 48 hours and everyone else has decided they prefer their friends from home after all. As for the Hugos, one is now going out with the girl he got with in Cindies (it’s 100 per cent going to last forever), whilst the other pairing from Day 3 just glower at each other in the corridor. I’m starting to think I imagined the third Hugo but I’m not too sure.

Day 7

Can’t believe I’ve been here a week! It feels like forever, and college is like my new family. We even went on our first swap last night: that’s basically when you get super drunk and treat women badly, but it’s ironic so it’s totally okay. There’s also shit curry (ironic) and trashing the restaurant (also ironic). Today I tried rowing, and even though I fell in and possibly caught cholera it was total LOLS.

Day 8

Yesterday I went to Formal, defs the highlight of Freshers. We had to wear gowns, they cost fifty quid but I look like Harry Potter in mine so it’s fair enough. The meal itself was super special: it felt like Downton Abbey but the Crawley family are less rude than Cambridge students.

Looking back, Fresher’s Week was literally the most amazing thing ever. I mean it wasn’t exactly what I expected, and my friends at other unis looked like they had more fun, but I’m at Cambridge (the best uni EVER) so mine must have been better, right…