As the great Art Buchwald (no, me neither) once said, “you can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.” After the week David Cameron’s had, I’m inclined to believe Mr Buchwald: our politicians are satirising themselves, and I’m going to be out of a job before the term’s over. If only to emphasise the lack of distinction between mockery and reality, Charlie Brooker has already satirically used the idea of a PM f**king a pig a few years back, in Channel 4's 'Black Mirror'.

In order to empirically test whether satire is indeed dead, I have devised a complex and ingenious test. Reader, you are lucky enough to be the subject. All you need to do is attempt to distinguish which statements are true and which are pigshit. No cheating – your time starts now.

1. David Cameron is alleged to have inserted his penis into the mouth of a dismembered pig’s head at an event held by the Piers Gaveston Society, an exclusive and secretive upper-class group at Oxford (nice easy one to start eh).

2. Jeremy Corbyn, in contrast, is a vegetarian.

3. Boris Johnson has been quoted as saying “that’s a horrible thing to call Samantha."

4. Cameron negotiated a multimillion pig semen trade deal with China.

5. The pig’s anonymity was compromised by a newspaper exposé identifying it as a Gloucestershire Old Spot named Hamlet, who has since apologised to the nation for performing a sex act on a Tory, admitting that “they’re a disgusting breed and the idea of sucking one off is repulsive to most decent British people."

6. A Piers Gaveston member has said that “what Dave did is nothing compared to what Maggie Thatcher got up to. All I can say is that it involved a cow, a pig and a bitch: only one of them to our knowledge became PM."

Yes, Corbyn is a vegetarian, can you believe it! Speaking of Saint Jeremy, he must be relieved that the press finally has someone else to take the piss out of. However, Cameron being an easy target hasn’t stopped the Daily Mail trying to dig up dirt on Corbyn’s own indiscretions. Splashed across its pages was the supposedly scandalous story about Jezza’s brief fling with Dianne Abbott (now his Shadow Cabinet colleague and political ally). Apparently, they even went on “a tour of East Germany on his motorbike.”

If anything, the image of Dianne riding pillion on the rickety red Corbmobile, nuzzling against the luscious beard of everyone’s favourite socialist stud as they speed past burly communist farmworkers, waving in solidarity, is actually kind of endearing. One can only hope Corbyn asks Cameron questions from the public again next PMQs: “Jane from Ruislip would like to ask the Prime Minister if he prefers screwing the poor or screwing a pork…”

Whilst 5 is indeed false, the vigorous public debate about which participant is more sexually repulsive (Hamlet the pig or hamface Dave) is very real. Personally, it is my belief that George Orwell foresaw this very dilemma when in Animal Farm he described how “the creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.” The similarities are uncanny: both Cam and Ham are the result of centuries of inbreeding, can often be found with their faces in the muck and are regarded by most people as swine.

Thought you’d got ‘em all right? Think again. Number 6 is in fact a bona fide quote from a genuine Piers Gav member. Or is it? Who knows? Who cares any more?! As long as I can find someone to publish it, (thanks Varsity!) the difference seems academic now.

A very confusing week in politics, then. It seems we can no longer distinguish between humour and happenings nor pigs and PMs. A very relevant week to Cambridge students  too: the feeling of regret and nausea upon being shamed for doing something unspeakable with an unattractive posh idiot is one familiar to many of us here. But at least the Aporkalypse (far better than Piggate, surely) has been entertaining. It may be weeks before we get another story this, well, saucy.