I’d like to let you into a secret. Before coming to Cambridge, I was dumped by my ex. “Long distance just won’t work, Allan, it won’t.” I was distraught. WAS – I’m over you. But I did something quite human and awful. I told all my friends (and myself) for months that it was a mutual decision.

You, drinking society rejects, are also lying to yourselves.

But, frankly, 90 per cent of the hatred that drinking societies receive comes from what I like to call ‘drinking society rejects’. People who aren’t in them and who would JUMP FOR JOY if they were given an offer to go out with one. I’m literally talking clearing the pole vault world record without a pole.

Essentially, drinking society rejects, you are hiding your disappointment and rage under the guise of moral objection. You are pretending that the reason you hate them has nothing to do with the fact that you’re not going out with them, but that it’s because they are abhorrent, reprehensible forces of evil.

(In parenthesis, you do realise that by slandering them you are minimising the chances of getting an invite, right?)

So, why am I telling you off for this? Firstly, you’re lying to yourself, which is always bad, as I have come to learn. Secondly, and more importantly, you are exacerbating – wait, here it comes again – the reality-perception dichotomy. We have already seen the detrimental effects this dichotomy has on politics, sexuality and race – the consequences are equally troubling here.

The perception is that drinking societies is where it’s at – they’re the ‘cool kids’, part of the higher echelons of society. In reality, that’s not the case. You are to blame for this perception as much as they are. Granted, there are people in drinking societies who do think that they’ve hit the social jackpot now that they’re in them, but that’s more a reflection of how pathetic they are than on how inherently ‘cool’ drinking societies are.

You, however, think that you are being marginalised by the cool kids. You victimise yourselves. Then, to make up for it, you put a brave face on and tell everyone that you can’t stand them because they’re elitist, sexist, racist, homophobic cults. That’s just defamation. 

There are awful people wherever you look – from the water polo team to the Union, from the jazz bands to the Vixens. Yes, the grass is always greener on somebody else’s yard, but that does not excuse your defamatory behaviour.

Before telling others how to mend their moral compass, you might like to consider that making sweeping statements about an entire class of people is dangerously immoral in itself. You’ve read the history books, you know that. Allegedly.