King’s Christmas address – ‘World in the shitter’

Details have been announced for the programme of the famous ‘Carols at King’s’. The broadcast from King’s Chapel, a Christmas favourite in the UK, will this year include a special reading entitled ‘World in the Shitter’.

Varsity has obtained an exclusive extract from the special address: “Ladies and gentleman, this Christmas time, let it never be far from your minds that the world is, as is known, going down the shitter.”

“Across the world, plagues of death roam through the jungle and plagues of men roam across the desert. Villages burn and planes fall from the sky. The barrels of tanks blacken the land, as the fumes of faraway factories blacken the sky.”

“Everywhere, men are born free and live not in chains, but in squalor and despair. The water is dirty and the land is dead. Hate and greed are the trade on which we live. Peace and love are the poor man’s playthings.”

“Freedom is under threat. In countries far away but close at heart, people cry out for nothing more than to choose for themselves, but their cries fail. By the barrel of a gun. The blunt end of a baton. Or the cold grasp of despair.”

“But despair is easy. And we do not do things because they are easy. Nor because they are hard. We do things because we want to. And when we come together, in peace and love, fear and hatred, or despair and loathing, we always find a crappy, belated solution. Do not despair because the bar is set so incredibly low. Rejoice that we always do the bare minimum.”

Swap goer intends ‘not quite rape’

“I want to be clear,” announced swap goer James Brundt in his pre-swap press conference, “I am not intending rape.”

“What I am intending is to identify the freshers with whom I would most like to have sexual contact.”

“I then intend to invite them to a pressurised environment, away from college, where I intend that they will consume extremely large quantities of alcohol in the presence of a significant number of older and more experienced men.”

“I then fully intend that the freshers will engage in sexual acts with me which they would not have engaged in but for the consumption of alcohol in the circumstances which I fully intended to bring about.”

“What I am not intending is rape. I am not intending to do sexual acts without consent. What I am intending to do is contrive a situation where sexual acts will be done which would not have been done but for a pressurised and intoxicated environment.”

“I fully intend the only participants in this event will be my close friends and recent female arrivals to this university whom I find sexually attractive.”

“Thank you for the time. I will see you all at the post chunder debrief. Good sharking everyone.”

12 Days of Bridgemas

On the twelfth day of Bridgemas, my true love sent to me/

Twelve students singing/

Eleven pints of port/

Ten boaties boating/

Nine lectures lost/

Eight mighty masters/

Seven super Cindies/

Six Sidney students/

Five best friends/

Four fat fellows/

Three giant gyps/

Two porters plump/

And a mathmo in a pear tree

Wanted: Tab Nudist

The Tab nudist was last seen outside the Varsity offices on some date before the 24th November.

The Tab nudist is assumed to be a humanities student (likely philosophy). The Tab nudist is assumed to come from a carefree college (likely Pembroke).

Reward: One Varsity column for Lent 2015 and Varsity’s entire operating budget for 2015 (£5).

Varsity columnist ‘actually good’

In a shocking turn of events, a Varsity column was actually worth reading.

“I just couldn’t believe it,” said Brian Kerr, regular Varsity contributor.

“Every week, I expected it to finally turn into sanctimonious, clichéd drivel, but it just never did.” Panic is reported to be spreading through the Varsity offices, as the editorial staff desperately seek a replacement for the beloved columnist.

“It just won’t be the same,” said a Varsity insider, who spoke to Varsity on the condition of anonymity.

“Fresh insight in every column. A new way of looking at the world every time. Isn’t that what good journalism is? It’s hard, but we just have to do our best to find a way forward. Everything changes in the end.”

It is not yet known whether the columnist, Millie Brierley, will continue to write for Varsity in 2015.