“Put a towel down.” “It’s always going to hurt, no matter what you do”. “He was so gentle, and it still hurt like hell”. “But seriously, put a towel down”.

Hi, I am a white cis-female. I’m 23, almost 24, and less than a month ago I was still a ‘virgin’.  Why? The same reason most people haven’t had sex until they have. The same reason that up to one third of Cambridge freshers are virgins when they come up, and in my personal experience, a surprisingly high number of grads are as well. I’d missed some chances, I’d turned others down. I’d wanted it and not got it.

At first I thought being older would give me an advantage. I was more confident, more composed, than my younger self. I was better at asking for what I wanted, and I knew my body better. But every time I asked for advice, my friends, my mum and the internet told me what I didn’t want to hear: the first time, it will hurt. You will be nervous, it will be uncomfortable. You will very probably bleed when your hymen breaks. Maybe quite a bit. Put a towel down.

So while part of me believed that I could be different, another part wondered if maybe - if it was always going to be shit - I should just ‘get it over with’.

Fact One: Bleeding from the hymen is not the norm. Most women are born with a hymen, but the hormones released at puberty cause it to thin and shrink away to the sides. The older you are when you first have penetrative sex, the smaller the chance that your hymen is going to ‘break’.  If you are lubricated when you have sex, any remaining tissue should simply slide out of the way.

Fact Two: The idea of hymenal bleeding originates from times when ‘virgin’ status at marriage was considered important for religious, cultural or economic reasons. Without a bloodied bed sheet to be hung outside the window as ‘proof’, women could be dishonoured, cast out or killed. Problem was, many women didn’t bleed, so mothers would tell their daughters to cheat by cutting themselves, or using sponges filled with animal blood. Animal blood.

Cue an anecdote about my meeting a beautiful, kind, smart, talented boy. And sexy. Tall and sexy. He made me feel safe, he took the lead but let me signal new steps. One night, we got drinking, I took him home, we made out, we got naked. I wanted to have sex. I was nervous. I thought to myself: this will probably hurt, and then it will get better. Why not just get it over with?

But, it didn’t go in properly. He tried twice. It hurt like hell, and there was blood; more than I’d expected. He was very good about having to swab himself down before he dressed. He told me it was ok, he kissed me goodnight, he left me to get a good night’s sleep. When I took a shower, there was blood on my ankles. My ankles.

Fact Three: Bleeding during sex is most commonly caused by tearing and abrasions of the vulva due to being too tense, not being lubricated enough, or your partner penetrating too roughly. It can also be caused by an infection such as an STI, or other kinds of medical problems. If the blood is dark and very heavy, best to see your doctor. If bleeding continues for more than a day or two, or you feel quite sore or ill, best to see your doctor. Hell, why not get a checkup anyway?

Three days later I was still bleeding bright red and feeling crummy, so I saw my GP. After a gentle poke around she proclaimed that I have a ‘hymenal ring’. You see, sometimes, purely by chance, the hymen doesn’t thin and shrink away. It remains tight and… resilient. In my case the hole was tampon-sized but not penis-sized, so I’d never realised.

Fact Four: Hymenal rings are uncommon, but can be stretched using sexy, sexy vaginal dilators (plastic penises in a range of sizes) or by a trip to the gyno where the tissue is snipped under a local anaesthetic. Needle to the vag. Fun. 

Having a hymenal ring kind of sucks. But, on the plus side, while I deal with my stubborn ‘virginity’, my man and I have to take things slow. My pain is your gain, ladies. What we’ve been told about our ‘first time’ is mostly a myth. Know this: you might bleed, you might not. It might hurt, it might not. It’s not a certainty, and in most cases it can be avoided by taking it slow and ensuring you’ve got adequate lubrication happening. It’s entirely possible for the experience to be pleasurable, and not something painful to ‘get it over with’.

Spread the word.