Cambridge student begins relationship with Netflix

A Cambridge student is reported to have begun a relationship with Netflix.

Nancy Bellemonte, a student at perennially underloved Fitz College, began the romantic relationship with the video streaming service after it was there for her during all the difficult times.

“Whenever I felt lonely or sad, Netflix was always there for me, never prying or creeping, just there being my rock. Whenever I wanted to laugh, Netflix had new episodes of Orange is the New Black and old episodes of Peep Show. Whenever I lost myself in the darkness, Netflix was there, a guiding light, a beacon of hope in a world with neither colour nor creed.”

Nancy admits that, at first, there were problems getting other people to understand how a woman and a digital streaming platform could have love.

“To begin with, my college wasn't very understanding. They said Netflix couldn't stay in my room for more than two nights at a time, but when I explained Netflix was with me wherever I went, they seemed to change their tone.”

“I know a lot of people don't understand how you can have a physical relationship with a streaming platform, but almost everyone I've met has been okay with just letting me be me. We're a very tolerant community really.”

When contacted for comment, Fitzwilliam College confirmed that its main priority is the “health, wellbeing and happiness of [its] students.”

 

'It's not easy being keen' campaign launches

Vice-Chancellor of the University, Leszek Borysiewicz, today launched Cambridge's latest student led campaign, 'It's not easy being keen'.

The campaign, which aims to rejuvenate the enthusiasm of some of the most privileged young people on the planet, comes as fresh research suggests that 'keen' has become a dirty word.

“When was the last time you heard someone use 'keen' as a compliment?” Borysiewicz said in an exclusive interview with Varsity.

“Being 'keen' is actually a great thing. You get stuff done. You do new things. You meet new people. You actually get value for money from your Cambridge experience. Think about how much money you're spending to waste opportunities.”

“There's nothing wrong with a bit of bants, of course. But when you're in an echo chamber which discourages people from going out and doing things, that's a problem.”

CUSU has recently put its weight behind the campaign. The student union is now expected to put significant resources into encouraging students to “actually go to lectures” and “maybe try something new”, according to leaked papers seen by Varsity.

 

Christian Union to go on swap with Jesus and Disciples

“Upstairs at Gardies. The Son of God. Twelve infamous lads. The greatest swap ever had.”

This is what the invitation sent out to members of the Christian Union said, as Varsity can exclusively reveal from documents leaked this morning.

The swap is reported to still be going ahead, despite the last minute drop out of Judas, whose long term girlfriend is allegedly unhappy with him hanging out with 'that group of lads.'

The head of the Christian Union turned down Varsity's request for comment, but sources close to the story are certain what is behind the organisers' confidence.

“Mate, this is Jesus we are talking about. Have you ever heard of anyone run out of wine when Jesus is about?”

Varsity approached Jesus for comment, but was told by his legal team that “Jesus refuses to comment on matters related to his purported status as a constituent part of the Holy Trinity or any supernatural powers deriving from this status. Jesus always acts within the law and drinks responsibly.”