It's been a busy week, but Peter Lloyd-Williams has caught it allPeter Lloyd-Williams

2014 Freshers Dangerously Keen, Says Report

2014’s freshers are dangerously keen, reports the influential Cambridge Centre for the Study of Youth.

“All indicators of fresher keenness are off the charts,” said Professor Brendan Burshell, head of the centre. “The local nightlife has been preparing since August. Cindies has made an emergency purchase of 500 litres of Jaeger for freshers’ week alone.”

Research commissioned for Varsity has confirmed that freshers are more ‘pumped’ and ‘buzzing’ than ever before.

Hannah Robertson, formerly of Tiffin Girls’ School, confirmed that she was looking forward to an absolutely mental freshers’.

“I can’t wait to get absolutely destroyed at pre-drinks on the first Tuesday of Michaelmas,” she told us.

“I’m not going to remember getting to Cindies, but once I get there, I’m going to throw up everywhere and have to be carried back by people I met on the weekend,” she said before heading into Bargain Booze.

At the time of writing, Hannah also told us that she was considering a “confusing-but-in-a-good-way” relationship with her college father.

Robin Browning, now of Corpus Christi, told us he was looking forward to turning up to lectures “still absolutely steaming.”

“I just can’t wait to be in lectures, with a world famous professor before me, and still be totally obliterated,” Robin told Varsity.

“Can you imagine? Surrounded by strangers. 9a.m. The smell of cheap wine on my breath. Trying not to throw up. That’s the Cambridge dream.”

Professor Burshell urges that, though freshers’ may be magical, the overall goal is not to remember any of it.

“In the end, it’s not the memories we share that make us who we are, but the ones we forget together.”

Rowing. Not Even Once.

With the start of the new academic year approaching, the Cambridge University Student Union (CUSU) is relaunching its ‘Rowing. Not Even Once’ campaign.

CUSU President, Helen Hoogewerf McComb, began this year’s campaign last Saturday at a fundraiser for recovering rowers.

“Cambridge students need to be aware of the dangers of rowing,” Hoogewerf McComb said to the assembled fundraisers.

“Students need to know how they can be pressured to take up rowing, even by people they thought were friends. Students, especially freshers, need to know that it’s okay to say no.”

“Rowing can do terrible things to people, and they don’t even realising they’re changing. It’s not normal to get up 5a.m. as a student, but, for rowers, it is. It’s not normal to tell everyone how shattered you are after a 5km erg, but, for rowers, it is.”

“The saddest thing is that there is just no support for rowers who realise they have a problem and want to quit. That’s what this campaign is all about.”

Varsity contacted CUCBC for a response, but no representative was available for comment, due to “prior rowing commitments”.

A vigil for change is planned to take place outside the Cambridge University Boathouse this Sunday.

A CUSU helpline is being set up in the coming weeks.

King’s College Abolishes Self

In an unexpected development, the Provost of King’s College, Michael Proctor, has announced the immediate dissolution of the centuries-old college.

In an emergency press conference, Professor Proctor said the move had been made necessary by the collapse in support from the students of King’s College.

“Following the decision of the King’s College Student Union to declare the 1441 decision a mistake, the Fellowship no longer has the confidence of its College. Therefore, the College cannot continue.”

Ivan Tchernev, president of the KCSU, welcomed the decision: “King’s students realised that, by attending King’s, they were personally benefiting from centuries of preferential treatment. We are recognising and combating our own privilege.”

The Vice Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, Leszek Borysiewicz, reacted to the decision of the college by saying it was “disappointing, but things have been heading in this direction for a long time.”

King’s has a long history of experimental access projects. In 1979, the college briefly refused to admit anyone. The college considered the move the best way to equalise admission demographics.

The decision was only reversed in 1984, when the Fellowship realised the consequences of its decision. Observers at the time, however, stressed the noticeable improvement in the atmosphere at the college.

The surviving members of the 1979 Fellowship have largely endorsed the decision of their sucessors.

A bidding war is now expected between Trinity and John’s to determine who will take ownership of the King’s Chapel. The remainder of the college will be taken over by the cows.

No college has yet to object to the move.