I hope you’ve recovered from the pun in that title. I haven’t, give me a minute. There, let’s begin. Might I suggest we first concern ourselves with a short refresher course on the vital matter at hand? In abrupt terms, Cadbury, that estimably British chocolatier, is about to be bought by Kraft, a brash American business outfit keen to annex anything that moves. In terms of monopoly and market, I’m sure this is wrong on several levels, and I would like to bleat on in such a vein about such a scheme – or at least I would if I cared about business. No, there are far greater reasons, reasons of conscience, to deplore this dastardly act.

Kraft’s CEO, Irene Rosenfeld – shoulder pads, power suit, testosterone –, claimed that her rapacious conglomerate and its actions would create a ‘global confectionary leader’. Which, presumably, would make her its ‘Sugar Daddy’, or at least an even more suspect version of Willy Wonka (which takes some doing, you understand). Are we to assume, in line with this unlovely, deeply shady take-over, that she may also consider attaching the missing letter ‘y’ to the end of her company’s title?

In case you were in any doubt, I am not attempting to find good news anywhere in this issue. Jobs will disappear, the insipid Americanisation of Britain will continue, the once great name of Cadbury will (aptly) melt. Kraft has even announced its intention to continue manufacturing that dark devil of dairy confectionery, Bournville. Is there to be no reprieve?

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister decided he ought to wade into this take-over argument too. His intervention, about as welcome as the appearance of a body collector on your doorstep during the Plague, was not designed to admonish Irene. Of course not. Gordon announced, without compunction, that the publicly-owned RBS would use public money to facilitate Kraft’s bid. Quite the kick in the teeth. Maybe Kraft should consider mounting an aggressive bid to buy out the tooth fairy too, or at least give her some cavities.

One last canter on my high horse, then – a beast I always keep tethered conveniently within reach. Cadbury’s legacy depends on every one of us doing his or her duty to resist. Just as that butterfly, lazily flapping its gossamer wings in far-away Japan, can create a tiny zephyr that will one day become a mighty typhoon, so every chocolate consumer in the UK, by issuing Kraft with a defiant non serviam, can strike the key-note of a vast fight-back, which will eventually teach every butterfly in Japan who is boss in the confectionery market. This is not chocolate nationalism, I might add. It is much more serious than that.

Anyway, great fortunes, Balzac once remarked, are often conceived in sin. If all else fails, then Kraft are welcome to their fortune, but I for one will not be buying the tainted Cadbury brand again. That is unless, for medical purposes, I am required to induce vomiting.