Is your love life practically non-existent? Can’t muster up the courage to talk to that hoodie-wearing STEM bro in your lecture hall? Getting jealous of your flatmate and their sickeningly cute relationship? Well, what could be better for you, the romantically-challenged but well-read Cambridge student, than looking to your favourite works of literature for tips on how to improve your love life?

Gone are the days of bribing someone for their affection with overpriced chocolate! Gone are the days of waiting for your beloved’s bitmoji to pop up and the slightly pathetic attempts to slide into a suitor’s DMs! No more googling “best pick-up lines” or turning to Camfess for advice! I present to you “How to woo your ideal partner in ten easy steps” according to iconic literary classics:

1. Dress up as an old woman in an attempt to get your crush to confess their feelings for you. Lock up your mad wife in the attic – there’s no need to bother your fiancée with that information just yet. Bigamy is chill as long as she doesn’t find out. (Jane Eyre)
2. Dance reluctantly, maintaining a surly persona. Insult her looks, malign her family and social position, then ardently declare your love. Extra points if you have a nice house. For additional romance points, make sure you are utterly toe-curlingly awkward throughout. (Pride and Prejudice)
3. Idealise her beyond belief … but if she brings up actual feelings (ew, disgusting), change the conversation to cows. (Anna Karenina)
4. Break and enter through her window to watch her slumber. Tell her that you sparkle. Say things like: “This is the skin of a killer.” Introduce her to your family who are always one papercut away from munching on her like a Gardies kebab at 2am. So brooding. So appealing. (Twilight)
5. Tell her husband that a Biblical flood is coming to wipe him out, causing him to sleep in the bathtub so you and her can get some alone time. Lies and infidelity are the perfect way to set a romantic vibe. (The Miller’s Tale)
6. Stab her cousin. Nothing says “true love” like violent and bloody murder that will inevitably lead to your exile. After all, everyone likes a bad boy. (Romeo and Juliet)
7. Stab her father. This will never not work. (Hamlet)
8. After your numerous advances are inevitably rejected, marry her sister. (Little Women)
9. Leave her with a baby and die of shame very, very publicly. The more public the better to be honest. (The Scarlet Letter)
10. Die and haunt him, knocking on his window and roaming the moors. You may be dead but romance definitely isn’t. (Wuthering Heights)

Alternatively, for a romantic ambience taken from the some of the greatest writers, date in graveyards, because fancy restaurants are just so overdone these days. This tip was brought to you by Mary and Percy Shelley (and because that’s not extra enough, they met each time by the gravestone of her dead mother). Equally swoon-worthy pursuits include only being romantically involved with people who have the same name as you (hello, Samuel Taylor Coleridge). And this above all: you are the authors of your own cringe-worthy stories.

And there you have it! Follow any of the utterly romantic examples here and you’ll never be unlucky in love again. Good luck, all you hopeless romantics out there! (Note: Varsity does not take responsibility for any embarrassment, bodily harm, or restraining orders that may occur from following the advice in this article.)