I’m banned from every single May Ball bar one because I snuck into John’s last year. How do I still have a great May Week, despite the odds?
Oh, boo hoo! This is the best example of why not to break into May Balls, even more so than the masses of broken bones from fence-hopping over the years. Not to rub salt in the wound, but if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions… (but please do tell us which part of the sting went wrong so that we all know exactly what to avoid). Without indulging in too much Camfess discourse, a May Ball is still an immense privilege and you still deserve to have the best time after the horrors of exam season. Not making the most of your only May Ball is worse than not going to any – seriously, why spend so much money on one night if it’s not going to be the best night of your year? My top tips are: don’t get too drunk in the first two hours (seriously, the alcohol isn’t going to run out, and you won’t remember anything except throwing up after the dodgems); make sure you have friends there (a May Ball isn’t the best place for a solo-date, and, besides, you’ll need someone to take Instagram photos, because did you even go to a May Ball if it doesn’t end up posted in your end-of-year photo dump?); do the activities that you want to do most (I spent Jesus May Ball at the Queen tribute band alone because my friends were all at the headliner, and it was still the highlight of the night); and wear sensible shoes. Remember, May Week doesn’t consist of just May Balls and insomnia – you can still spend time going to Grantchester, the pub, dinner in college gardens, and so much more. One last thing, don’t even think about trying to break into any more May Balls – you’re at the top of every security guard’s most wanted list (and I don’t want to be held responsible for any injuries you acquire in the process).
“I hope your top spot makes up for the love you never received as a child!”
How should I hard-launch my inevitable topping of tripos?
Get a load of this guy (it’s always a man). What’s imposter’s syndrome? You’ve clearly never heard of it. You’re wondering how everyone will find out about your raging academic success, mainly because you don’t know anyone, because you’ve been locked in since you left your mother’s womb. A cheeky LinkedIn post is a classic, and I love seeing who took my deserved number one spot (I’m kidding, of course – the last time I opened a book was ‘The Cat in the Hat’ circa 2009). You could also do a shameless Instagram story, though I’m not sure how that’ll work out for maintaining any street cred. The rumour mill always works overtime, so maybe just start planting a few seeds. Either way, I hope your top spot makes up for the love you never received as a child!
I’m entering the corporate world two days after graduating, but wish I had more time to relax and travel…
Did you hear that sound? That was the collective groan of every Cambridge student wishing they were in your shoes. For them, the past year has consisted of job application spreadsheets with ticks next to ‘Applied? ’, ‘Interview? ’, ‘Written task? ’, but never next to ‘Offer? ’. Alas, that sounds like a them problem, which I’m not here to solve and you’re not here to listen to. You’ve just survived an intense work environment for the past three years and you should take time to celebrate, even if you’re graduating with a ‘degree’ in Philosophy or Land Economy. Make sure you use the time between exams and graduation to really enjoy yourself and relax! You could even travel somewhere new if you haven’t maxed out your overdraft by Week Six (unlike me) – holidays are always cheaper during term-time. There’s actually more time than you think between the end of exams and graduating, so make the most of that free time. You’ll have annual leave before you know it!
“Without my friends, I think I’d still be struggling to understand what love really means”
I didn’t find ‘the one’ before leaving Cambridge, and feel like I’ve failed.
There’s often a lot of pressure for people to find their future spouse at university, and it can be pretty overwhelming. Before panicking about not being in a relationship, just think about whether you want to, or even should, be in a relationship. You can experience love in a multitude of ways – without my friends, I think I’d still be struggling to understand what love really means. Your family might also be a great source of support. Being in a relationship takes commitment, and in a high-pressure environment like Cambridge, it can be either make or break (and do you really want to experience the break side?). Being single helps you to work out your own interests, and experience an independence that’s completely different to being independent within a relationship. It’s better to wait for someone decent than waste your time (which is especially fleeting in Cambridge) on someone who’s a dickhead (and trust me, there are a lot of them here).
How am I supposed to cope without your advice next year and every year after?!
All good things must come to an end, and so must the time of Auntie Jess. Fear not, young one, I’ll always be inside of you (no, not like that, this is a wholesome moment – get your head out of the gutter). In times of desperation and deploration, think ‘WWJD’ – no, not Jesus, but what would Jess do? If it’s something I’ve definitely done, but would never recommend, then you absolutely shouldn’t do it. I’m all for fun experiences and learning lessons, but there are some lessons that should stay as second-hand knowledge. My nickname isn’t ‘Messy Jessy’ for no reason: I’ve been there, done that, and got the t-shirt to prove it (and now I’m trying to sell my t-shirts on Vinted, so always exercise caution). At the same time, you’re a clever thing, no matter what that silly imposter syndrome is telling you, so exercise your best judgement. And please stop flooding my DMs with problems, I’m going to have enough of my own entering that big wide world outside of the Cambridge bubble (unless you have some absolutely mad gossip, then by all means send it in).
