The last weekend of College Football league action before the Christmas holidays has been and gone and it was certainly one filled with Christmas cheer for the neutral, with 27 goals scored in the Premier League alone! Unfortunately for Trinity Hall, the majority of these goals were scored against them by a rampant Churchill in the most stunning and borderline cruel demolition College Football has ever seen. 16 (sixteen, seize, sechzehn, sedici, dieciséis, šesnaest, seksten, zestien, sedecim, szesnaście, шестнадцать) goals were shipped by the beleaguered away side, and after they discovered that Santa doesn’t deliver relegation miracles, they have cancelled Christmas.

Elsewhere in the Premier League, Gonville and Caius registered their first points of the season against Champions Downing, whose season so far has more up and down than Adrian Mutu after a few lines in the changing room. Pembroke failed to get revenge for last year’s extra-time Cuppers defeat, succumbing to a 3-2 defeat to St John’s, whilst the most surprising result of the round saw Fitzwilliam end Jesus’s 100 per cent start to the season, with a shock 2-0 victory in their own backyard.

Division Two is basically signed sealed and delivered for Robinson who recorded another victory, this time smashing six past hapless Homerton. Sharing in the Yuletide joy was Darwin, who recorded a much needed win over Queens’ IIs, while Emma finally got off the mark after a thrilling 3-3 draw against promotion hopefuls Girton.

And finally, the festive spirit was noticeably absent between Trinity and King’s when the home side called off the game in suspicious circumstances. King’s were particularly vexed, judging from the email that finished with “please put this in, we are very pissed off!” Trinity are supposed to have called off the game due to a frozen pitch at the very last minute, so much so that King’s didn’t find out until they rocked up an hour before kick-off – only to discover Trinity having a training session! Whispers are abound that the home team couldn’t field a side, but who am I to jump to unsubstantiated conclusions? – just ask Tit Hall. Anyway, the game didn’t happen, bah humbugs all round.

Premier League

Churchill 16-0 Trinity Hall

Churchill: Berridge-Dunn (x6), Rolph (x6), Platts (x2), Waller (p), OG

It has been a painful term for Trinity Hall, and Churchill savagely confirmed that over the weekend with a remorseless annihilation of the strugglers in a fashion Pol Pot would be proud of. Rumours have it Amnesty International have been alerted to potential human rights abuses after Churchill decided that rather than sparing the away side the ignominy of playing for 90 minutes with four less players, that it would be better beat them into the ground – figuratively. The result was carnage, as Churchill were able to record one of the biggest wins in College Football history, while effectively breaking Trinity Hall’s goal difference (it is now at -33). For Churchill, this is a cruel way to boost their morale, and at the very least we expect a letter of apology to be sent to the traumatised Tit Hall squad, who will have had to endure complete ridicule not only on the pitch but also in this Review. The win is Churchill’s second of the season, moving them up to fifth as we head into the Christmas break. Things are a little bleaker for point-less Tit Hall. The only thing they will be getting for Christmas this year will be a lump of coal with "Merry Relegation" carved into it, as it’s as likely that they will stay up as it is Daniel Sturridge is to walk without ending up back in A&E.

Jesus 0-2 Fitzwilliam

Fitzwilliam: Meredith (x2)

Christmas has come early for Fitzwilliam as they recorded a vital win over Jesus – vital not only for their slim title hopes but also for the good of competitive competition seeing as Jesus looked to be taking the fun out of the title race by running away with it. But the dark horses have buckled, as Fitzwilliam, who were without four ‘recognised’ goalkeepers and had to endure having Tom Dunn-Massey between the sticks, took all of the spoils in what was a resolute display. Mike Meredith was Fitz’s hero, netting two well taken goals, the first of which flew in from thirty yards while the second saw the grad forward slot home after an incisive counter-attack. Jesus were clearly not at the races for this one, as they failed to register a shot on target. Their misery was compounded when they had a man sent off with twenty minutes to go – he’ll get a nice Christmas fine of £30 and like Tit Hall, can expect a lump of Santa’s finest Charcoal on December 25th. The result puts Fitzwilliam 4th with 7 points, however they have played a game more than most of the Colleges around them. They are five points off the pace, and would require other results to go their way if they want to compete for the title. This is Jesus’ first defeat of the season, and they will rest easy knowing that they have two point cushion over St John’s who sit second, and, tantalisingly, who they still have to play next term.

Pembroke 2-3 St John’s

Pembroke: Ogier, Oldfield

St John’s: Filippa, S. Smith, S. Smith

Last year’s Cuppers finalists met in the league last weekend and once again it was St John’s who triumphed, edging out the home side 3-2 in what was a relatively even game. St John’s achieved the remarkable feat of having two different Sam Smiths find the net, although it’s fair to say the Writing was on the Wall that this would happen at some point. The St John’s win puts them within striking distance of frontrunners Jesus, with only two points separating the top two as we head towards Christmas. Pembroke are also by no means out of the running despite falling to their second defeat of the season, seeing as they have a game in hand that could bring them within a point of John’s if they can grab a win against Downign.

Gonville and Caius 3-1 Downing

I must not be on either Downing or Gonville and Caius’ Christmas card lists seeing as I didn’t receive any details from this game. But, in what was certainly a turn up for the books, Gonville and Caius recorded their first win of the season against the most unlikely of sides – Champions Downing. It is fair to say Caius have had come close in all three of their previous defeats, losing by just the one goal, and this week their luck finally changed. Downing meanwhile looked to be on the up following back to back wins against Fitzwilliam and then Churchill, however this defeat leaves them tangled in mid-table with the rest of the 6 point colleges. Caius still remain second bottom going into Christmas, whilst Downing sit 7th.

Queens’ P-P Selwyn

Match Postponed. Bah Humbug

The table at Christmas

1)	Jesus	P5	+10	12pts
2)	St John's	P5	+6	10pts
3)	Queens'	P4	+4	9pts
4)	Fitzwilliam	P5	+1	7pts
5)	Churchill	P4	+12	6pts
6)	Pembroke	P4	+4	6pts
7)	Downing	P4	0	6pts
8)	Selwyn	P4	0	6pts
9)	Caius	P5	-4	3pts
10)	Trinity Lol	P5	-33	0pts

Division Two

 

Robinson 6-0 Homerton

Robinson: Marino (x3), Cotterell (x2), Procter

Robinson have taken to Second Division football quite well – winning all five of their opening fixtures and amassing a goal difference over +18. They sit 8 points clear of second placed Girton, and know that only two more wins could secure their promotion. In fact, judging from last season, they only need four more points to match promoted side Queens’ total. They’ve basically secured promotion by Christmas – not bad going. This week’s victim was struggling Homerton, in a match that finished as a rout. The opening exchanges belied the final outcome nonetheless, with the first half a relatively even one, only for birthday-boy Cotterell to find the net after a well-worked one-on-one. Homerton had their chances, and it seemed likely that they would pull level before the interval. But after another tight opening five minutes into the second half, Robinson let rip, with a second half hat-trick from Binson captain and left back Antonio Marino helping to do the damage. His first was bundled home from a corner, and shortly after the Procter got in on the act with a delightful dink over the visiting keeper. Then Marino added a second, describing it as the following (his words not mine): “There was then a moment of pure, untainted brilliance. The ball comes out to Marino 25 yards from goal, who curls it first time over the keeper right into the top corner. Goal of the season contender, pure and simple”. Cotterell then grabbed his second of the afternoon following a, um, “sexy” team move, with a first time volley, and then Marino completed his hat trick with a rebound from two yards out. Homerton did threaten to pull something back, but ultimately couldn’t find a way past the league’s best defence. Robinson make it five out of five for Michaelmas, and having played and beaten both Girton and St Catherine’s, it’s a case of when rather than if they will be promoted. Homerton meanwhile languish above the drop zone, however, with plenty of games still to play, it’s all still to play for.

 

Darwin 2-1 Queens’ IIs

Darwin: Maguire, Withey

Darwin recorded their first win of the season and it looks like it could be a vital one, defeating Queens’ IIs 2-1. The away side came into the game buoyed on by the first points of the campaign, coming against Emma and then during the week prior against Long Road, however Darwin, who had such a good season last time round, knew that it was imperative to pick up points in order to stabilise the sinking HMS Beagle. Tom Maguire and Luke Withey found the net to ensure the points, the latter netting a great strike from 30 yards out. The result pulls Darwin away from the drop zone, whilst Queens’ IIs still sit pretty in 5th. 

Girton 3-3 Emma

Girton: Hicks, Ritter, Monks

Emma: Thorpe (x2), Dennis

Girton’s promotion hope were dealt a blow by bottom side Emma who gained their first point of the season in a thrilling 3-3 draw in the Independent Republic of Girton. Girton found the net through Harry Hicks, Stefan Ritter and Ryan Monks, however they were pegged back by two headers from Thompson and another from Dennis. The result leaves Girton 8 points adrift of runaway leaders Robinson, whilst Emma are now finally off the mark, however they will still have some catching up to do after the Christmas break.

Trinity P-P Kings

In controversial circumstances – allegedly.

Other Recent Results from Midweek:

Long Road 1-4 Queens' IIs (Midweek)

Long Road 6-0 Trinity (Midweek)

The table at Christmas:

1)	Robinson	P5	+18	15pts
2)	Girton	P5	+10	7pts
3)	Long Road	P3	+6	6pts
4)	St Catherine's	P3	+1	6pts
5)	Queens' IIs	P5	-11	6pts
6)	Darwin	P4	-4	4pts
7)	King's	P4	-6	4pts
8)	Homerton	P3	-2	3pts
9)	Trinity	P3	-8	3pts
10)	Emma	P4	-4	1pt