Aquarius January 20th – February 18th

Just like trying to carry water all the time (Aqua, geddit?), you’re putting in some back-breaking work you need to lessen your burden. Try finding a less heavy liquid to carry around.

Pisces February 19th – March 20th

You may think that the only way to feel self-assured and appreciated is by fishing (Pisces, geddit?) for compliments. That’s not true, of course, unless you’re a thesp…

Aries March 21st – April 19th

If there’s somebody holding you back, put yourself first. Now is the time to do something new. Go grab the ram by the horns (Aries, geddi– Never mind.) and do it.

Taurus April 20th – May 20th

If there’s somebody holding you back, put yourself first. Now is the time to do something new. Go grab the bull by the horns and do it.

Gemini May 21st – June 20th

There seems to be so much going on you need two of you to cope. But that’s not going to happen because you’re probably not actually a twin, and cloning is still illegal.

Cancer June 21st – July 22nd

You’re a mess. You need to stop going backwards. But unfortunately, you’re a crab, so you can only go sideways.

Leo July 23rd – August 23rd

You are entering a time when you will feel like the King of the Jungle. But be prepared for disappointment: the monarchy is an outdated concept and you’re actually just going to be a drain on taxpayers’ money.

Virgo August 23rd – September 22nd

Most people think you look and sound like a virgin. And you probably are, you sad little mathmo.

Libra September 23rd – October 22nd

You live your life by carefully weighing up the safest course of action. But this is the week to break away and do something different. Like crying in public instead of alone.

Scorpio October 23rd – November 21

You seem to be going in the right direction. But be careful not to be too unadaptable, because life tends to have a sting in its tail. It’s like trying to be a journalist, then realising you write for The Tab.

Sagittarius November 22nd – December 21st

You set yourself targets and you invariably hit them. But remember: nobody uses a bow and arrow anymore.

Capricorn December 22nd – January 19th

Will everybody please stop trying to grab defenceless animals by the horns?