Romain Duris in The New Girlfriend Metrodome Distribution

It's been established that reviews should steer clear of spoilers but trust me on this one. No amount of spoilers here could butcher the story quite as effectively as the director, François Ozon, does. Without them you might spend actual money on this film.

The first thing that is immediately striking is the rapid fire length of the shots. The opening scenes are the cinematic version of someone narrating a story on speed. At points you feel like you’re watching a film made out of Vines. The whole opening seems like some tiresome routine that Ozon has to get out of the way. What should have been an emotionally-priming recollection of youth at a funeral is instead a breakneck collection of cliché moments that just looks like he’s ticking boxes to try and give some semblance of emotion. Girls play on swings in the sunlight, girls brush each other’s hair, girls run past their names oh-so-cutely carved into a tree. It’s so unoriginal that it's almost funny. Any shaving of genuine emotion or continuing atmosphere are completely forgotten in his race to get to his absolutely side-splitting knock out of a twist.

And oh, what a twist. Fairly early on, we are treated to the revelation that David (Romain Duris, husband to the recently deceased Laura) likes to dress as a woman. Imagine that! A man, in a dress! Mr. Ozon and a disconcerting amount of the audience seemed to find this idea hilarious. David’s wife (Isild Le Besco) has died and he copes with that by wearing feminine clothes. The first reaction to this in the film is to call him a pervert and it’s a view that’s worryingly allowed to take hold. There are constant in-jokes about gender and cross-dressing, as if Ozon’s winking at us through the screen and giggling at his absolute cracker.

The entire story is detached from reality. The characters just have no depth. They have nameless fake jobs, ridiculously unlived-in houses and offer no glimpse of substance. His depiction of someone affirming their identity is a shopping trip to a Katy Perry soundtrack. The film doesn’t even bother to try and care about Laura’s death or her baby’s future. They’re both just plot points used to further emphasise the fact that there’s a man in a dress.

Whilst watching this, I really tried to find some scrap of merit in it. I laughed a few times and got a free whiskey with my ticket. But apart from that, the entire experience was disappointing. Ozon takes these issues of identity and gender and completely trivializes them. A cliché-ridden, terribly executed and worryingly insensitive waste of a story.

The New Girlfriend is currently showing in cinemas across Cambridge and the UK.

@CamHill1234