Theatre: Armageddapocalypse 2: The Explosioning
ADC Late Show
Roses are red, violets are blue, and secret agent Jack Lang doesn’t give a damn. He’s about to trample all over them – just because he can. 23:00 this Wednesday witnessed the birth of something so absurdly cataclysmic, so singularly multitudinous, its mother exploded nine months before its conception and the shockwaves jolted a sleeping Osama Bin-Laden out of his cave. He cried.
Co-written by Footlights veterans Lucian Young and James Moran, Armageddapocalypse II: The Explosioning is the new production in town, based loosely on Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. With its promises of machine guns, flaming skyscrapers, armies of ninjas, “at least two fights per line of dialogue” and a billion dollar budget, at 22:59:59, expectations were high.
Suddenly, music blares, lights are dimmed, a projector turns on, and the show begins. In true cinematic style however, we are first treated to trailers of feature films Exploding Fist Productions will release later this year: Sour Milk, the story of a lactose intolerant Northerner who has to give up work at the Milk Mine, Dude, You Did Not Just Do That, a side-splitting teen movie remake where Road Trip meets American Pie, and Flushed with Success, the epic story of Sir Joseph Bazalgette’s struggle to install London’s first sewage system, against ubiquitous horrified cries of “But this is madness!” from his peers.
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Teasers over, the projector screen is lifted, and the audience is catapulted into the world of The Explosioning. It’s the world of action movie satire: unobservant minions, mafia bosses with severe facial balding, remote-control helicopters, and crates of cocaine specifically reserved for Pete Doherty. It is the kind of place where the question “How many guns can a man fire at once?” just can’t be answered.
The plot is fantastically predictable. Maverick agent Jack Lang (James Moran), so macho that he will kiss an invisible man to prove it, is racing to save the world from the dastardly plotting of scar-faced supervillain Dr. Apocalypse (Lucien Young), while hitting on his seductive co-agent, Vanessa Wildfire (Mairin O’Hagan). Dr. Apocalypse, who speaks in that unplaceable European accent common to all arch-nemeses, is after the impossible: a bomb made entirely ‘out of quantum’ - he immediately shoots the scientist who tries to explain that ‘quantum’ is, in fact, a measurement - not an explosive material.
When Dr. Apocalypse learns that Lang is on his tail, he reveals a secret weapon, and the play’s secret gem: the “archduke of all absurdities”; namely, the Puzzler. Johan Munir gives a mesmerising performance, from the very moment his paper cage is torn open amidst acrid purple smoke: “Did somebody order mayhem?”
Casino Royale is also savaged, in an intense game of poker between Lang and Dr. Apocalypse. In this topsy-turvy world, poker isn’t played with cards. Lang and the Doctor compete by throwing darts on roulette wheels and hopscotching across the stage. It’s an awesomely quirky mix of Footlights surrealism and Hollywood mockery. It works.
Expect pyrotechnics. After the promised battle with 4,000 ninjas, flames shoot into the theatre, and smoke fills the stage. Let’s go for a Hollywood cliffhanger: can Lang stop Dr. Apocalypse and save the world before it’s too late? You have two more nights to find out - and with so much merciless fun, you really should.
