Fears. We’ve all got them, so why do we get so weird about them in relationships? Maybe it’s the fact that in letting someone into your world, they will inevitably see your deepest, darkest, (and sometimes most embarrassing) fears and foibles. This makes us vulnerable, especially in the early stages of a relationship, when trust can be difficult to establish. 

Even if things turn sour, I like to think that most people wouldn’t exploit the knowledge of their ex’s fears. The key word here being ‘most’ as opposed to ‘all’ people. This in itself makes me anxious; I’m the glass half-empty kind of girl in these situations and fear that my ex will use my secrets against me. Fears like this can become circular and even completely inescapable – I have a fear and I’m scared to tell someone about it, and this in turn becomes another fear. 

There’s a lot of truth in the proverb that fear breeds fear, and it can make us act a little nuts. People generally split into one of two camps – cold or clingy; although the two are not mutually exclusive, and I’ve found myself vacillating between them both on a daily basis. 

Becoming detached from a relationship can be an all too easy defence mechanism – things get too intense and it makes you doubt, or something happens that bothers you, or you might even wonder whether you find your partner attractive anymore. You panic and react by pulling away. 

Sometimes, however, that same panic makes you attach yourself to your partner more fervently than ever, trying to hold on to a relationship in which you no longer feel secure. Either response can spell a death knell for a relationship, especially a new one, or at the very least cause difficulties. 

If you react by distancing yourself, you might think that you’re protecting yourself – after all, it will hurt less when it ends if you don’t get too invested in the relationship, right? Wrong! While wanting to feel safe is a natural response, holding your partner at arms length because of fear alienates them and prevents you from developing a genuine closeness with someone.

Meanwhile, over in camp clingy, you hold on too tightly, become too demanding and suffocate your partner with endless worrying. You may even think that sharing all your hopes and fears will make your partner less likely to leave you, but there’s something disturbingly manipulative about that and it doesn’t lead to a satisfying relationship in the long run.

The antonym to fear is bravery, but what is brave and what is foolish when it comes to relationships? In our hearts, we know that acting defensively – and being either cold or clingy – is detrimental to our relationships, but we can’t seem to stop ourselves. Talking it over with friends and witnessing the relationships around me, I often see these reactions being played out. 

Ultimately, both defensive responses arise from a fear of confronting oneself, of admitting your fears and trying to deal with them rationally, which includes sharing them with the one you love and asking for help. To me, a sign of a healthy relationship is being comfortable with confrontation – being brave enough to address things directly and trust that the result will be for the best. If things don’t work out, or your partner doesn’t react supportively, then that’s not something you can control, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid it.

Admitting to your partner that you’re scared, that you have insecurities, can make you feel very vulnerable. But it’s essential if you want to have strong and stable relationships – both romantic and otherwise. However, unburdening yourself to your partner in the hope that they’ll stay with you is also unhealthy. Yes, it’s important to feel that they accept the ‘real you’, but you can’t blackmail them into staying with you, as neither of you will be happy in such a situation. 

If you love someone, you do so in the belief and hope that the person you love represents his/her true self. Some hopelessly romantic part of me wants to believe that real love cures all and that being in a relationship means being fearless and uninhibited. Perhaps that’s stupid – fear is part of being human after all – but I can’t quite shake the hope just yet. This is one of the slightly harder-to-tick-off items on my ‘are you in love?’ checklist and, how gloriously ironic – it makes me scared.