'Depression waits in the shadows and can strike with intensity at any time without warning'salome wagaine

In a meeting with my DOS the other day, we talked about my problems with work. He gave me some advice on how to read. He referenced my application form from two years ago, citing my problems with ‘anxiety’. He told me to be more philosophical in the way that I approach essays. All very well and good. However, some thoughts came into my mind. Firstly, how it would have been helpful to be given such advice when I started. Secondly, for the first time with my DOS, whom I respect and like, I started to feel as though my problems were letting him down. He told me how on receiving my application – which discussed my mental health problems – he and the Senior Tutor talked about whether I would be able to cope with the stress. The Senior Tutor suggested I wouldn’t be able to; my DOS argued my case. Clearly, though, most of the time it seems that the Senior Tutor has been vindicated. This then lead me to ask: does Cambridge really deal well with mental health? Is there a sense that it is structurally incapable of accounting for problems of depression and anxiety?

I had problems with depression before I came to Cambridge – not the best place to bring unhelpful baggage. Depression is often viewed as long-term and intense, a kind of black tunnel that makes everything impossible. Believe me, I have experienced this. I almost dropped out of sixth form because of it and have been on medication ever since. Last year I had a recurrence, giving up on work and lectures; I found getting out of bed difficult enough. My tutor was extremely useful, UCS provided me counselling, my supervisors allowed me some slack and by the end of the year I felt back on my feet. If you feel the same, I would advise asking for help because there will always be someone that you can turn to.

But these more extreme episodes are not my only experience of depression and anxiety. For, in my own experience, suffering from depression makes me susceptible to quite alarming mood swings which are exacerbated by stress. One week I can be motivated and everything is hunky-dory; the next working becomes near impossible and bed my sanctuary; the week after that, for no real reason, things seem back on track. The intensity of ‘feeling low’ remains high but it doesn’t last as long. It can even happen on a day-to-day basis, or I can be fine around friends and then feel awful when I return to my room. I suppose what I am saying is that my mental health makes me more susceptible to feeling ‘down’, especially in reaction to stress. For me, suffering from depression is not merely the ‘dark corridor of no return’. Depression waits in the shadows and can strike with intensity at any time without warning.

For anyone that shares this experience, you will know that this makes working at Cambridge, even being at Cambridge, a challenge. The intensity of our courses and lifestyle requires us to be ‘on top form’ all the time. Being at Cambridge is analogous to an international sportsman. We experience great scrutiny. We are under pressure to perform, to justify our inclusion in the team of ‘Cambridge student’. But, for anyone that feels like me, we have to do this with a stress-fracture: we have to play on through the pain. But this pain comes and goes: we are fit for one match and then, with no warning, we are not fit for the next, but then back up again for the one after. This makes it difficult to explain why we haven’t done the work, why we won’t go out, why we have missed lectures. It also makes it difficult to have deadlines sprung on us, to have no structure in the way that work is set.

To the outside observer, we are being lazy or insubordinate. Believe me, we are not. But then the knowledge that people might think that we are makes us feel worse, and makes us less likely to be proactive. These reasons are why I felt as though I had let my DOS down. They are why I feel a pang of guilt every time I miss a deadline – we are, after all, in a place that gives highest value to productivity, be it social, creative or academic. They are why I fear that I will look back with sadness that I could not make the most out of my opportunity of being here, especially in comparison to my friends. Clearly, coping is a difficult thing for me to do: it makes me wonder whether I belong here at all.

To those with a friend with similar problems: treat them with respect and kindness. Don’t make assumptions, don’t put them in a box, don’t assume that because they seem fine they are fine. If they go back on a promise to go out, don’t label them ‘flaky’. Sometimes a bit of TLC can go a long way. To those supervisors who have students with similar problems: cut them some slack. Don’t expect every essay on time. Allow them to come to supervisions having only done some of the reading. Put the importance of your deadlines in perspective. And to those who are struggling: remember that you are not alone. It is not your fault. It is the job of your tutor, DOS and supervisors to help; make them. You have been accepted to study here: you do belong.