Summer's far far awaySteve Cadman

The library is a lonely place. Dark, narrow hallways; dimly-lit shelves; lights that flicker. The rooms are filled with cold, hard chairs, Grim Reaper librarians, and swaying stacks of tattered books, despairing at their own longevity. Fortunately however, libraries are perfect for people-watching. The following is a list of loveable characters to break the monotony of your revision.

1.  The aggressive typist.

You know the type. Fingers moving so fast you fear they might fall off. Eyes flicking frantically between textbook and screen, making super urgent, super important notes that must be transcribed at the speed of light. The sound of their typing is usually audible several floors above them, and if you dare to type as fast (or faster), they’ll engage you in a silent typing war, matching you stroke for stroke. Be warned. Type at your own peril.

2. The sleeposaurus.

Watching this person can be either highly amusing or highly irritating. Eyelids as heavy as concrete, slipping further and further into the world of sleep. The occasional twitch or jerk – the body clinging to consciousness – then they’re out like a light. Bonus points for snoring, heavy breathing or drooling. Move your books safely outside the saliva zone.

3. The perpetual gamer.

Farmville, Candy Crush … you name it, they’re on it. Do they even go to this school?   

4. The socialite.

She sits at her desk, scrolling through Facebook, smirking at the screen as another photo of herself from last night is uploaded and tagged. Every now and then she pauses to readjust her hair or examine a well-manicured nail. She calls out or waves to every third person who walks past, luring them over for lengthy conversations in loud whispers about last night’s events.

5. The annoying sniggerer.

He stares at his laptop, eyes squinting behind his square frames, fingers hovered over the keys, lips curled into a sneer – and then it happens – the burst of chortled laughter, the barely muffled snort. Yes, the video of your cat twerking is slightly amusing, and yes, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber were separated at birth, but seriously man – control yourself. No one in the library is having fun. Try to fit in.

6. The overexcited undergrad.

Square, thick-rimmed hipster glasses; obscenely preppy Jack Wills jumper; loud excitable voice speaking in barely concealed whispers. Bumping into friends in the library is a daily highlight – now they can compare how many pages they’ve read! She bubbles to the brim with excitement and wonderment before bounding off like a delirious rabbit to find more friends to compare notes with. Please stop and let us enjoy the misery of the library in peace.  

7. The mature age student

Identifiable by the grimace, the sensible grey jumper, the slow typing, and the sternly disapproving look at the undergrads huddled in a corner. You can see the resolve, etched into his chin, that he’s going to make the most of this degree because it’s worth three times his unpaid mortgage and his wife will want something to show for it.  

8. The jock.

Can be found at the end of a trail of muddy footprints, still wearing his sports gear, a book lying unopened on the desk beside him. He has his earphones in, catching up on commentary of a game he missed back home. Observe his facial expressions as he watches replays of the highlights. Enough winces and pained expressions to give Kirsten Stewart a run for her money.

9. The person with excess phlegm.

Also known as The One Person In The Entire World Who Seems Unaware Of The Existence Of Tissues. Because clearly, if they knew it was possible, they would blow that nonsense out. Please deal with it.

10. The person with no concept of personal space.

No, it’s really not okay for you to sit in the chair right next to mine when there’s an entire table two feet away that is completely empty. And no, I don’t appreciate you moving my books to make room for your laptop, coffee cup and football bag. I was here first!

Well, if you can’t beat them – join them.