If you have an internet connection (which we all do thanks to Eduroam <3) you’ll have probably seen a photo from Students of Cambridge at some point. If not, think Humans of New York, but instead of humans, students. And instead of New York, well, Cambridge. A local twist on a famous classic, if you will.

This is one intrepid student’s mission to produce the most thorough photographic census of Cambridge since we all sent in a photo with our SAQ forms in Year 13. It’s revealed a lot about who we are, what we think and how easy it is to talk shit when someone points a camera at you. But mostly, it has revealed that when presented with the ultimate fast-track to BNOC status, Cambridge students tend to fall into several clear and defined categories.

The meta one

They’re just like sooooo Cambridge. They don’t so much break the fourth wall as bulldoze right through it, and when the dust clears you see them in all their ironically self-conscious intellectual glory. Quotes include “Can’t you make something up? You can say that these girls are so deep that they’re not penetrable and you have to guess what they’re thinking” accompanied by a photo featuring a vintage sweater and King’s College (surprising, right).

The gap yah wanker

They see students of Cambridge as yet another in a lifetime of opportunities to talk about how much Africaaaaah changed them and how much they changed it. Quotes are all so long that I can’t fit a whole one here but it’s all a bit “then I danced with a 69 year old ex-priest and taught him how to slut drop.” Needless to say, these leave more serious-minded students unimpressed.

Let me tell you about my degree

Being Students of Cambridge, you think the subjects would realise we’re aware they’re doing a degree here, but no, these super-interesting people use their five seconds of fame to tell us non-Land Ecs that “farming isn't for everyone”, or that “I actually haven't been to the faculty for two years… all of the answers are in books, just go forth and read.” Thanks mate.

Did I mention I go to Cambridge?

A close relation of the above species will feel the need to emphasises that not only are they a “student”, but a student of “Cambridge”! Some are unsubtle: “It’s quite sad to leave Cambridge with just an incredible degree because there’s so much more on offer.” Did he mention he’s leaving CAMBRIDGE? Or the noble souls who spent “27 hours out in Cambridge” (which is surely just a double Cindies without going home in between) because “we believe the poor need a strong and fair public justice system”. Give yourselves a pat on the back.

The political thinker

Because it wouldn’t be Cambridge unless someone was giving you their opinion at any opportunity. Accompanied by a moody headshot, they earnestly seek to persuade us that “free speech doesn't mean anything if it isn't free to all”. Some are a bit keener for life, chirping about how “you can do something to make a difference and it’s up to us as human beings to make the world a better place for everyone”. N’awwww.

The king of banter

Students of Cambridge is just another platform to be a top lad, isn’t it? With a cheeky grin, they’ll regale the camera with a tale of how at the Freshers' Fair, “last year we were signing ourselves up, this year we’re signing our friends up”, or how their initiations means they’ll “overtake John’s as the lad college”. Jokes! But nothing will ever be as funny as telling the world how “we had a bop where three people shat themselves.”

The couple

They’re gross, they have an adooooorable story about how they met and they’re just bursting to tell it. From the creepy “I went to his room with a friend and we left at 4 in the morning, then he texted me saying ‘come back’” to the cringey “3am swiping, then we had a date and lots of alcohol”. My preferred kind of Students Of relationship is between a subject and their food: “Yesterday I was really sad because I think the country's in a bad place. To cheer myself up I had a burrito. Actually I had two burritos.”

…me

Before this article was published, I too got the chance to make a fool of myself on social media! It felt a bit like being picked to go on the live X Factor auditions: you’re not sure if it’s because they like you or they think people will laugh at you. Given my extensive criticism of other subjects’ choice of words, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say, in order to avoid falling victim to my own piss-taking. Whether I succeeded is debatable, but frankly I’m too busy basking in the glory of getting more Facebook likes than any picture I put up myself to care.