Law Soc event sells out in record zero seconds

It is being hailed as a triumph by the ever popular Cambridge Law Society. This Friday's social sold out in a record zero seconds.

Some are not happy, however. The entire membership is reported to have missed out on tickets, with the Ents team rumoured to have underestimated demand significantly.

Varsity has received this statement from the Law Society Social Secretary:

“The Law Society is one of Cambridge's biggest and most popular societies. The annual law ball is considered the best event outside of May Week.”

"Unfortunately, it is not always possible to secure sufficient capacity for our events. This means that some members miss out. Unfortunately, in this case, despite our best efforts, we were unable to accommodate any of the membership, with the exception of the standing committee.

“We hope members are not disappointed by the fact that we regularly hold events in venues which cannot accommodate more than a fraction of the membership." 

'Orgasm Bridge' renamed 'Clitoral Stimulation Superhighway'

In what many have branded a misguided, unwise and dangerously misleading move, Cambridge City Council has renamed 'Orgasm Bridge' the 'Clitoral Stimulation Superhighway'.

The move follows concerns that the bridge's infamous name was damaging Cambridge's image as a family friendly tourist destination.

A spokesman for the Council confirmed the news to Varsity:

“The change has been on the cards for some time. Juvenile smut like this has no place in a city like Cambridge. The Clitoral Stimulation Superhighway shows the Council is committed to promoting Cambridge as a serious contender in the UK and across the world.”

Residents and students across the city have expressed their shock and amusement. The CSS remains as popular as ever.  

Another glorious day to be a white man

Today was another glorious day in an unprecedented run of glorious days for being a white man. White men everywhere basked all day in their ability to appear respectable and non-threatening - even while wearing hoodies.

Experts say such wonderful white men conditions are to be expected.

“I know a long period of very similar weather can give you a nagging feeling,” said Roy Oberman, Deputy Assistant Head of Forecasting at the Met Office.

“But these really are just the natural conditions in this part of the world. Sun in Sahara. White men in West.”

White men everywhere continued to enjoy the perception that they are hard-working, brave and loyal. Some white men even reported that, after having children, they were concerned well rounded individuals, rather insufficiently dedicated to their careers. Eccentric and introverted men frequently reported that they were seen as brilliant or mavericks, rather than freakish and weird.  Having a strong personality was seen as a leadership quality, rather than bitchiness.

Notable white man, Brian Kerr, gave this comment to Varsity:

“Yeah, it's pretty great. I can shuffle along dark streets at night, and nobody assumes I'm on drugs or anything. I can have biological children, but I don't have to do any of that baby carrying stuff. I have centuries of role models to look up to, even Jesus and God, apparently. And, for what it's worth, I can fit my wallet, keys and phone into one pocket. What a time to be alive!”