Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Undergraduates launched

Trinity College students today refounded the historic Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Undergraduates, originally established some time in 18th or 19th century.

The society, which will focus on the needless hardships experienced by the brave young undergraduates of Trinity, has announced that it has secured substantial funding from “old members of the college who understand the importance of a welfare budget more substantial than that currently offered by the College Council.”

A statement has been released by the Society to mark its refounding:
“The Society will campaign to end the unacceptable hardships faced by the future rulers of this country. It is no longer acceptable for young men and women in the 21st century to have to walk to the basement for a shower in their 19th century mansion accommodation. This is the sort of madness which must stop.”

“I am pleased that the old members, many of whom now do not have to face tourists before the morning shower, have shown their continued kinship with the current members of college, and have lent their backing to our just and honourable campaign.”

“It is simply unacceptable that lobster is served at John’s – when we all know that Johnians are little better than townies – and yet Trinity must make do with the lesser crustaceans. This is unreasonable, unreasoned and irrational.”

“The men of Trinity must be rescued from the squalor of Burrell’s Field. We must retake Sidney Sussex.”

“The cannon will be fetched from the bowling green, brought back to service and turned on those who dare to oppose a united Trinity.”

“Semper eadem.”

Bill Gates touted to replace God

A leading Cambridge theologian has suggested that Bill Gates may well replace God as supreme power on Earth.

Michael Dunne-Raven, a leading thinker at the Faculty of Divinity, made the comments during a recent debate on the ontological nature of a supreme being.

“There’s no doubt that God has competition. He’s really eased off on the miracles front in the past few hundred years. Use it or lose it, as we say in divinity.”

“I mean look at Bill Gates. Quite literally richer than God – all that focus on faith and loyalty means God hasn’t looked after his assets that well. And Bill Gates has put his money where his mouth is. How much has God put towards fighting Ebola? Not millions and millions of dollars, I bet.”

“Sure, God’s compassionate and all. He means well, after all, but don’t we all. I have infinite compassion for the needy, but does that make me God? I don’t think so.”

Bill Gates has responded to the comments by continuing to quietly fund a cure for malaria. The charitable Gates Foundation’s endowment currently stands at $38.3 billion and employs over 1000 people. The total aid budget of the United States was $31.55 billion in 2013.

Second year ‘totally relaxed’ about lack of internship

Second year Brian Kerr is reported to be “totally relaxed” about his persistent lack of internship or volunteering placement.

Kerr, who studies economics at Pembroke, remains calm about the fact that he is yet to confirm an internship for the long Summer vacation.

“I’m not worried,” he said bathed in a cold sweat.

“Loads of places will still take you if you haven’t done an internship. You just need to do lots of extra-curriculars. And a language. And leadership experiences. And commercial awareness. And be top of your class. And get the application just right. Anyway, I don’t mind if I don’t get one, anyway.”

Many of Kerr’s friends have, however, already began to take pity on their unrequited fellow student.

“I think he’ll really enjoy Teach First when he gets there eventually. I mean, loads of people who apply unsuccessfully for finance internships eventually realise what they really want to do is teach. That’s just the way of the world.”

Protesters protest protesters’ protesting protesters’ protest

In what is being treated as the moment when the Cambridge political scene finally reached its dénouement, a group of Cambridge protesters have set up a Facebook group in order to protest protesters’ protesting protesters’ protest.

Meanwhile, the world kept on turning, the republic still stood and students remained relatively unversed in world affairs. Sarah Sheard, Varsity News Editor, responded late last night.

“Thank God. I was worried there wouldn’t be any good news this week.”