Student destroys future career with ill-advised Varsity editorial

A Cambridge student has seen his future political career left in ruins thanks to a recently published Varsity editorial.

The student, Michael Brownley of Jesus College, published the seemingly uncontroversial comment piece last week.

“I had no idea that, in 20 to 30 years, the opinions I expressed in the article would become anathema to most of the UK population,” he said in an interview to be published in the Varsity interview section.

“When I wrote the article, my opinions were in line with what a lot of my fellow Cambridge students thought. But, thanks to permanent online file storage, all of my future employers and potential partners have been able to access all of the opinions an older me probably wouldn’t have expressed.

“Ultimately, it can only be right that I am permanently held accountable for the views which I once expressed, and have never endorsed since.

“I must thank my political enemies for bringing to the public’s attention statements which were uncontroversial at the time, statements which I have disavowed and statements which I now actively oppose. It is clear that past me has rendered present me wholly unsuitable to hold public office.”

Tom Freeman, Brownley’s editor at the time, expressed his disappointment at the turn of events.

“It’s just such a shame that an opinion which is uncontroversial now, but will later become controversial, has damaged the reputation of someone who wasn’t judged for his opinions at the time, but later came to be in a position where he could be judged by modern standards on opinions which no longer reflect him or society.”
“Wait, did I get that right?”

Frank Underwood, who helped bring Brownley’s unpalatable former opinions to light, has welcomed the news.

“This will help our ongoing efforts to clean up politics,” he is reported to have cackled.

DoS regrets spontaneous Cindies

Christopher Black, a director of studies in Natural Sciences at St. Catharine’s College, has expressed regret at his decision to go on a “spontaneous Cindies” this past Wednesday.
“Ohhhhh, God,” he was reported to be moaning on the way to lecture part 1A at 9 a.m.
“Please, God, just kill me now. This hangover is literally the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life.”

Dr Black was intending to “just go to pres”, but was reported to have had a change of heart after rapidly consuming multiple shots at an unofficial drinking based event in St. Catharine’s College.

He later reportedly consumed in excess of 15 Jägerbombs, while telling passersby that “I don’t feel like I’m spending any money when I pay by card.”

It has also been reported that, as he left Cindies, Dr Black declared that he was going for a “TC”, although witnesses have reported that the eventual exhibition may have been involuntary and in the gutter.

It is not known how many of Dr. Black’s former partners received voicemails. Early estimates put the number between “embarrassing” and “positively catastrophic”.

Dr Black’s family have requested that he be treated sensitively and in absolute silence at the present time. Donations of bacon butties and juice will be accepted if sent with the correct postage.

Tab relocates offices to Mordor

It has been reported that the popular for profit blog The Tab is relocating its offices to Mordor.

Editor at large, the dark lord Sauron, has reportedly been persuaded to relocate by the “favourable ethical climate” of the blackened hellscape of Mordor and its more lenient labour laws.

In a circular sent to Tab staff, the Dark Lord spoke of “one student paper to rule them all,” and the need to dominate and destroy Cambridge through scandalous news stories published about private individuals.

He also promised free condoms to all who sign up and pledge to join him behind the Black Gate.

Commentators have described the move as “bizarre” and The Tab as driven primarily “by the corrupting desire for power.”

No orc underlings were available for comment.