September: Jeremy Corbyn is swept back into power as Labour leader, with over 60 per cent, his rival Owen Smith receiving only 13 per cent. A huge number of ballots are spoilt by people writing “who is Owen Smith?” on them. Mandatory reselection is passed at conference but the pragmatic Corbyn offers a fig leaf to the PLP, on the condition that they delete all their Owen Smith pictures from Instagram.

October: With the latest economic statistics soon to be released, Chancellor Philip Hammond organises a press conference to quell fear. He appears shaken, his eyes dark and dead: “It’s all fine”, he whispers in a trembling tone. The press pack seem convinced.

November: In shocking economic news, the devalued pound stimulates a surge in demand for classic British produce, with exports of jam and cutting sarcasm fuelling unrivalled growth. In a gesture of patriotic confidence, Theresa May cuts all communication links across the Channel, and unfriends Angela Merkel on Facebook.

December: Following on from the success of his new moustache, Nigel Farage careers down the path to hipsterdom, developing a neckbeard and sporting a plaid shirt for the opening of his boutique Shoreditch cheesery, ‘Nigel’s Fromage’. Across the sea, the Russian war machine rumbles into action.

January: Owen Smith and Angela Eagle set up a new centrist political party called ‘Old New Labour’. Nicola Sturgeon claims to have found a loophole in British legislature, allowing her to call another referendum on Scottish independence. Unable to find a hard copy of the document, Theresa May concedes that she might be right, appeasing the first minister by agreeing to move parliament. Russia invades Estonia.

February: May’s bold move backfires when Conservative MPs realise that it will require them to live and work near Scottish people. “Winston Churchill didn’t win the war for this” mutters Iain Duncan-Smith as he shakes his fist. A vote of no confidence is passed, and a snap election called for June.

March: Crisis hits the Labour Party as Deputy Leader and well known bully Tom Watson decides to pull a prank on Corbyn, slipping on a mask of the Queen and jumping out from behind a door. Frail and frightened, Corbyn falls to the ground clutching his chest. He passes away on the Good Friday that week. When throngs of mourners arrive on Easter Saturday they are shocked to find the earth disturbed, and the headstone broken. Later that day he is seen dressed all in white, looking a little like Gandalf, preaching the gospel of socialism outside Highbury and Islington. On the continent, Germany falls to the brutal force of the Russian infantry after a protracted ground war.

April: The death and rebirth of Jeremy Corbyn receives brief coverage in The Guardian. Old New Labour fail to make any headway in the polls, and merge with Tim Farron’s Liberal Democrats. As the race heats up, there is a new question on everybody’s lips: “who is Tim Farron?”. Meanwhile, France surrenders to Russia without a bullet being fired.

May: An entourage of black speedboats go unnoticed as they slip up river at the break of dawn, and dock on the banks of the Thames.

June: Despite his heavenly resurrection, Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party sees its seat share decimated, which he declares as a huge victory for the march of socialism. Critics ask what this means for his claims to electability while his supporters remind them that he has now been elected. Commenting on the result, Momentum founder James Schneider reminds critics that “this is now the ninth time Corbyn has been elected to represent Islington, and ex-MPs should remember that it was their own seats that were lost, before they start pointing fingers at the leadership”. Men in unmarked combat gear begin to appear around the major airports and telecommunications buildings.

July: As she walks into Buckingham Palace, newly-returned Prime Minister Theresa May chuckles to a passerby, “that was too easy, thank goodness that Owen Smith never got the Labour leadership”. “кто Owen кузнец?” asks the onlooker. “That’s an interesting accent” May notes with a frown.